^ all 3 of my loyal readers upon reading those paragraphs
I finally got a job packing blueberries. It involves doing the same thing 1,000 times a day, it's irregular hours, rain can bring the whole thing to a grinding halt, and it's the best job I've ever had. I fucking hate retail so much, this is so much better.
I've been so busy with that I haven't had much free time. Which is probably a good thing, as getting up in my head is generally a terrible idea. I actually like not having time to think, because I don't get so tired of my own inner voice that I want to bash my head into a wall.
Also, it's a small farm, and I really like the family who owns it. They're so much nicer and more personal than my managers at all those big corporate chains.
It's only until the end of harvest, and then I need to find another job sucking up to some shitass corporation, probably. But by the end of it I'll have a nice sum of money saved up. No more having to ask my parents for a check every time the bank charges me for not having money and overdraws my account.
Hell of a day. Had a semi-fight-type-thing with my parents, felt like a loser for having such a thing at the age of goddamn 21, ran off into the night. I wasn't spooked to be in the graveyard at night but I didn't realize just how dark the woods got when the sun went down.
So instead I walked for miles, until I ended up in front of the local Taco Bell, where the sidewalk ended, so I just turned around and went back. And was on the phone with my girlfriendthe whole way back.
It's honestly a big deal for me that I've not been in the ps*ch hospital for the entirety of this site's existence (approx. 5.5 months). I have the feeling that that'll be ending soon, but I hope I'm wrong. I finally have a seasonal job lined up and also I fucking hate everything about those places. Yet I can't stop obsessing over them...
I have a craving for ice cream that won't be sated by anything, not even ice cream.
I've been having more and more frequent Rage Aneurysms, which is what I call it whenever I have an angry meltdown now because it makes my head hurt like a motherfucker. I tense up, I want to scream and punch things and hurt myself, and it all feels trapped inside. Today part of the Meltdown involved throwing my phone on the ground and walking to the park. Barefoot. In the hot summer sun.
But I don't want to stop being mad, because the other 99% of the time I feel completely numb.
Well, a lot of shit happened to me in the past day and a half. My friend and I went to a BLM protest, and that deserves a whole entry in itself, but maybe I'll type something up and put it in writings instead, or maybe I won't talk about it at all. I absolutely hate feeling like I'm drawing attention to myself for doing what any decent person in my position should do.
Also, since it's pride month, I came out to my family as bi. My parents, siblings, cousins, IRL friends, and one of my aunts already knew, but I wanted everyone else to. So I told everyone that I'm bi, and about my girlfriend I've been with for a year and a half. They still think I'm a girl. This is just a trial run for when I come out as trans. That one will involve lots of in-person meeting, or at least phone calls, and probably crying, and just more drama in general. Being bi seems kind of small potatoes comparatively. But I have to do it if I'm going to transition physically. Again, the same people know, but a lot of extended family that I see often don't.
Everyone was very encouraging about the bi thing and my girlfriend, so maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Well, the world is falling apart, and so am I personally. As always, I crave death, and feel like nothing but a blight on the face of humanity. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of feeling completely hopeless about everything. I am fully supportive of the protests and want them to affect change, but also am feeling quite nihilistic about them, and about so many other things - climate change and capitalism and all that other political shit I'm tired of talking and thinking about, even if it is important.
Maybe I'll feel better if I finally get a job. Cross your fingers for me that I hear back from that interview soon, or I might really fall apart.
