January 2020 Diary/Status Updates

Well, hell of a day. Phone isn't working again (refuses to connect to wireless, and I'm seriously thinking of getting a flip phone instead of ANOTHER GODDAMN IPHONE that'll die in two years), haven't done much but still can't get my custom domain to work and I have no idea if it's because my DNS stuff is taking forever to update or I'm just super fucking stupid. I don't know what to do and every little noise and every little thing is making me FREAK OUT. I'm already a whopping 0 days free of cutting. And my therapist thinks I'm doing a lot better. Maybe I am, but it's only temporary. All it needs is something super fucking simple like not being able to redirect my fucking website to set me back down into a spiral.

Spent money I don't have on NeoCities membership and a custom domain and then couldn't figure out how to get the damn DNS stuff to work...great! Well, I needed to get a job anyway, especially since I'm finally graduating from program at the end of next week.

So, that was nagging at the back of my mind, then I fell down the stairs of the house I've lived in for fourteen years, or you know, over 70% of my life, and that upset me. But since that wasn't enough, later I slipped on some goddamn water on the kitchen floor and broke my only pair of earbuds that work with my phone in the process, and that was the final goddamn straw I guess. Prepared myself to break my 18-day no-cutting streak, and posted a bunch of emo updates on Twitter.

Then suddenly I was fine, and since nobody acknowledged the tweets, I just deleted them. Embarassing.

ANYWAY, keep an eye out for this page to move to a new URL (hellontheweb.net, because .com is owned by a squatter), and also if you know where I can buy some fucking drugs let me know oh my god i miss getting stoned so bad

Slept for 18 hours total yesterday. It was awesome.

Today I was a bit more active - now some pages on the site are completed, like my music page, and my friends page! Plus some slightly more secret ones...maybe you'll find them in the front room?

Anyway, as for personal, non-internet stuff, my psychiatrist yelled at me for signing myself out of the hospital last week. I haven't seen him since before I went in. I don't think he understands how miserable the place makes me, and not just for the normal reasons that psych hospitals suck for everyone. He insists he's not my enemy, and I know he isn't. He truly thinks he's doing what's best for me. He has, to be honest, no fucking clue what's best for me.

Part of that's my fault, because I'm not 100% honest with him. Part of it's his fault, because of his two cardinal sins - being cisgender, and being a psychiatrist. But whatever man, it's not like he can force me back in, especially since I've had barely any ideation and am now 17 days free of self harm (not that I stopped on purpose, but still).

Slept in until 2 pm today. Received a call from my mom around 11 am asking me to bring my brother's lunch to school and I agreed...then immediately fell asleep. I failed him, the same way I failed every single person in my life, especially myself. I wish somebody would actually get mad at me about it, so I'd know what they were thinking.

Maybe I'm falling back in the Depression, because I've also been lazy as hell while I am awake. I've barely done ANYTHING but lay in bed with my dog and watch YouTube, and poke around on Worlds.com, where some weirdo was pretending to be a cult leader in the lobby. *rolls eyes*

Kinda want to die haha lol.

So...I decided to make a Neocities page for shits and giggles and very quickly began to get grand ideas about making some kind of "art site." So far, my brain is way ahead of itself - I have way more ideas than I've had time to program. Plus I just wasted like an hour trying to get a guestbook to work without realizing that I need to learn Ruby to do that shit. Whatever man.

I was too excited at program to pay attention (not that I pay attention much anyway), thinking of all these Grand Ideas...am I manic? Probably lol. Hope I don't forget about this in a week...I really want this to turn into a thing.