I haven't updated this page in ages, and thought I should drop in and do a quick update.
Like most of the world, I am currently stuck at home with my obnoxious family, and have been for some time, thanks to the "novel coronavirus." I might be getting a job at the local supermarket, as they're hard up for employees, and soon after being laid off, as soon as I catch the virus and need time off.
Last time I left the house (10 days ago), I got to go on a fun trip to the ER! On my 21st birthday, I broke my foot by stepping on a shoe left out in the middle of the kitchen. Fun stuff! It was a very eerie experience. There was hardly anyone there. Everybody was required to wear a face mask. Police officers hovered around, as if expecting chaos to break out. And when they wheeled me through the ER for x-rays, I saw a bunch of nurses dressed like this getting ready to go into a room marked "QUARANTINE PRECAUTIONS:"
But other than the days blending together, and my family being home with me, I feel like my life has barely changed. It's not like I went out much before. It's just that now with a "stay-at-home order" in place and a broken bone, I have more excuses than ever to sit on my ass and watch anime, and boy am I taking advantage of it.
When I look at my last entry on here, it seems like I wrote it in a different lifetime. I mean, I'm still a fucking loser NEET and all, that didn't change. But I had absolutely no idea what the world would turn into by my 21st.
While coronavirus is wreaking havoc on the world at large, it's somehow made me more productive? I barely leave the house to begin with, and at first I was...disgruntled by the interruption to my daily routine from the whole family being home. I have to get up to bother my brothers to do their online schooling, and while they're sitting at the dining room table during that, I sit and do work of my own. I applied to 3 jobs today.
And then the rest of the day, I'm still helping to take care of them. We went to the park, and on a separate walk with the dogs. I have accomplished more in this single day than I have in over a month.
Still pissed that I won't be able to go out for my 21st birthday tomorrow. It wasn't like I was really looking forward to it much, but I'm pissed that I won't be able to go to my favorite tacky chain restaurant and have the waiters sing to me and order a drink with vodka in it like a Grown Up. And I'm probably not going to get any gifts to open either. :/
Well, I know my parents got me at least one thing, I got a package from myself today that I impulsively preordered two months and forgot about, and my grandmother came through with a $100 bill in the mail, and that's more than I expected or really deserve, so you know what? It's cool. I'll just try not to let the existential panic set in like it has every birthday since I turned 10.
Okay, fuck, admittedly I have barely even glanced at Neocities the past week. Not because I was busy or anything, in fact I have done exactly jack shit all week. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so GROSS.
Yeah seriously, I'm tired of living the life of a child, being taken care of by my parents, no job, no school, no nothing, just fucking around on the computer all day. The NEET jokes were fun at first but now I really, truly loathe myself.
Yeah yeah I know, it's just because I'm entering the inevitable depressive phase of Bipolar Disorder. Don't care. Still feels like my life is going absolutely nowhere, and I know I'm right. Life is fucking pointless in general, but especially mine. If people truly cared for me they would let me pass on.
Ah, fuck that stupid bullshit. But anyway, I have been craving Substances so much last night I fucking had a dream about weed, which I have not touched in months (not out of choice). My 2-year-old Ativan prescription is about to run out - not that it did anything for me anyway - and I am Freaking Out. Just wish I had like, money, or people I knew in real life, but no, I had to try and kill myself and throw all that away.
The truth is I deserve every bit of misery I'm feeling right now. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try and avoid it anyway.